Wednesday, January 05, 2005
The Adventures of the Incredible Human Snowplow!
Today has been one of those utterly dumb and stupid days where every other thing that happens goes wrong. A drop stuff, spill stuff, trip over stuff, dogs and cats fighting, cold and snowy, forget to take your meds kind of day. The mean sneaky kind of day where none of the annoying stuff that happens, though there is way way way too much of it, is REALLY bad, so you feel guilty for complaining. I mean, no one is dead, the house is still standing, I didn't even do anything wrong that cost me any money. So what the hey.
The best example of the kind of day it was is what happened when I went out to one of the sheds in search of boxes for packing up the sold eBay stuff. Being as it was this kind of a day, none of the ones already in the house matched anything I was trying to send....
So I went outside on my quest. I guess my mind was occupied with thinking, "Moron! Why didn't you put on your coat???" Because I totally forgot about the little hole in the yard between the house and the shed, where I had thought about planting something last year and changed my mind. It's not so big, as holes go, about a shovel's worth deep and wide. I am very familiar with the location of the hole, because every time I pass it I think, "Man, I should fill that in."
Apparently the snow had the exact same thought, except IT acted on it, being a force of nature and all. So now it was a white, invisible hole. A stealth hole, laying in wait for some unwary fool busy having a bad day.
I am sure by now YOU are way ahead of me. Yes, my foot went exactly and perfectly into the hole at the precise velocity and angle that would make me not just FALL, but actually hurl myself earthward.
Which was NOT the worst thing that could have happened, yeah. I didn't break my ankle or even sprain it. I landed flat on my frontage, which provided ample cushioning. Due to the hard-wiring of old training, I didn't try to catch myself with my hands, so I didn't break or sprain my wrists either. They got plenty snowy as I skidded along a few inches, and I did say some of The Bad Words, but no young tender ears were there to hear me, so no harm there either.
The only lingering effect is muscle pain. Not severe enough to make me feel justified in COMPLAINING or anything, oh nooooo. What seems to have happened is that I gave myself the full equivalent of an intense visit to the chiropractor in, oh, 2/3s of a second. So I am possibly 1/4" taller tonight than I was this morning, but all the muscles along both sides of my spine from the base of the skull down to the middle of my back think I SUCK.
But no worries, I know what is needed in cases like this. So topically I have had several hits of my homemade super-duper wintergreen oil alcohol rub applied by my darling clone, and also a good long soak in a really hot bath with half a jar of smooshed ginger root in it. Internally I am ingesting aspirin in appropriately timed doses and the muscle relaxant of the gods, vodka in blue cream soda.
I personally think I am very primed to win something good in this evening's lotto drawing. But hey, at least tomorrow pretty much HAS to be a better day!
The best example of the kind of day it was is what happened when I went out to one of the sheds in search of boxes for packing up the sold eBay stuff. Being as it was this kind of a day, none of the ones already in the house matched anything I was trying to send....
So I went outside on my quest. I guess my mind was occupied with thinking, "Moron! Why didn't you put on your coat???" Because I totally forgot about the little hole in the yard between the house and the shed, where I had thought about planting something last year and changed my mind. It's not so big, as holes go, about a shovel's worth deep and wide. I am very familiar with the location of the hole, because every time I pass it I think, "Man, I should fill that in."
Apparently the snow had the exact same thought, except IT acted on it, being a force of nature and all. So now it was a white, invisible hole. A stealth hole, laying in wait for some unwary fool busy having a bad day.
I am sure by now YOU are way ahead of me. Yes, my foot went exactly and perfectly into the hole at the precise velocity and angle that would make me not just FALL, but actually hurl myself earthward.
Which was NOT the worst thing that could have happened, yeah. I didn't break my ankle or even sprain it. I landed flat on my frontage, which provided ample cushioning. Due to the hard-wiring of old training, I didn't try to catch myself with my hands, so I didn't break or sprain my wrists either. They got plenty snowy as I skidded along a few inches, and I did say some of The Bad Words, but no young tender ears were there to hear me, so no harm there either.
The only lingering effect is muscle pain. Not severe enough to make me feel justified in COMPLAINING or anything, oh nooooo. What seems to have happened is that I gave myself the full equivalent of an intense visit to the chiropractor in, oh, 2/3s of a second. So I am possibly 1/4" taller tonight than I was this morning, but all the muscles along both sides of my spine from the base of the skull down to the middle of my back think I SUCK.
But no worries, I know what is needed in cases like this. So topically I have had several hits of my homemade super-duper wintergreen oil alcohol rub applied by my darling clone, and also a good long soak in a really hot bath with half a jar of smooshed ginger root in it. Internally I am ingesting aspirin in appropriately timed doses and the muscle relaxant of the gods, vodka in blue cream soda.
I personally think I am very primed to win something good in this evening's lotto drawing. But hey, at least tomorrow pretty much HAS to be a better day!
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